Divorces happen for a multitude of different reasons. But there are some things that many divorces have in common. One of these things is a breakdown of communication between former partners.
Couples who have trouble communicating effectively with one another often end up separating. And even couples who once communicated well might find themselves straining to get through to one another once they’ve split. But when there are children involved, communicating is essential.
Even if you cringe at the thought of talking to your ex, it is in your children’s best interest for you to work together on certain issues. Here are ten tips for talking to your ex without having a meltdown.
1. Remind your ex (and yourself) that communicating with each other and working together is important. Sometimes our emotions take over and we forget how our actions affect our children. If your ex becomes hostile or unreasonable, a gentle and non-confrontational reminder that the children’s welfare is at stake could change his tune.
2. Try to proceed in a businesslike manner. When we’re at work, we must often push our emotions aside when dealing with difficult co-workers, customers or clients. It may be a little more difficult when an ex-partner is involved, but it is certainly possible.
3. Be willing to compromise. When it comes to our children, there are certain things that we won’t bend on, nor should we. But there are also areas in which compromising wouldn’t hurt anyone. Keep an open mind, and things will go much more smoothly.
4. Avoid talking to your ex when you’re stressed about other things. If you try to talk when something else is bothering you, getting along will be much more difficult. While it’s not helpful to keep putting your ex off, there’s rarely any harm in postponing a talk to a better time.
5. Consider setting up a time to talk about matters that involve the children each week, or at least once a month. This will help ensure that both parents are in the loop about important matters, and it will show the children that you are both committed to raising them well.
6. When you’ve set aside time to discuss parenting, avoid discussing other things. If there are other unresolved matters, set up a separate meeting time to discuss them.
7. Make an agenda for each parenting meeting. Write down the topics you wish to discuss, such as behavior, schoolwork and extracurricular activities. This will make the meetings more productive.
8. Choose the right method of communication. If you would rather not meet face to face, you can effectively discuss most issues over the phone. If you prefer not to talk at all, perhaps email would work out better. As long as you’re communicating and not bickering, it makes little difference how you communicate.
9. When in doubt, put things in writing. If your ex tends to forget things (or pretend to forget them), writing a note will help him remember (or keep him accountable). While writing things down doesn’t guarantee them, it can be helpful.
10. Avoid sending messages to the other parent through your children. Kids might forget to pass them on. And more importantly, if there is a disagreement, they might feel partially responsible. It’s much better to deliver all messages yourself.
